Masterly Inactivity or Helicopter Parenting?

Helicopter parenting is tiring.

Have you ever seen that in other parents, or even done that yourself? Hovering over our kids’ shoulder every hour of the day to check what they’re doing, and fretting when they seem bored, trying to make sure we give them options for entertainment. Jumping up anxiously at the slightest frown, bending over backwards to make sure they’re happy.

Some cultures seem to be more into microscopic parenting than others. For example, I’ve observed Asian and American families sitting at the same table. Disclaimer: this is by no means a generalization, but just an observation of actual parents I’ve seen, so it may not be wholly representative of everyone.

In my example, the Asian parents may be all wrought up trying to cram every nutritious spoonful into their children’s mouths, while the American parents are happily chatting away as their children eat on their own, playing with food as covertly as they can.

Then when the children run off to play, the Asian mom may constantly be craning her neck to see where they are, or even going over every few minutes to wipe the active little boy’s back. The American mom may just be quietly sipping her coffee, looking up only when the children come back to the table.

Oh, and look what happens when they finally do come back!

“Moooom! Jared hit me!”

“Coz you hit me first!”

“No, coz you’re stupid!”

“Mom, stop her saying that!”

The Asian mom tends to jump in to soothe and comfort, then play referee. “OK, so then what happened? Now, how about this…”

The American mom, on the other hand, may tell them, “Hey fellas, you need to sort this out yourselves, OK?”

Now, which of these two responses do you think cuts it?

In the Charlotte Mason philosophy, we have what is called masterly inactivity, and we are happy to introduce it as a better alternative to helicopter parenting!

What does Masterly Inactivity mean?

Masterly inactivity is having the wisdom not to do anything even when you’re perfectly capable of getting involved, and doing it for the greater good.

Did you catch that? How do you not get involved when you know perfectly well that you have the power to do something?

But the key here is that we are doing it for the greater good.

In Vol. 3, School Education, CM says this:

It’s a blessing that our minds are made so that, once we receive an idea, it will work itself out in our mind and actions without too much after-effort from us. If we allow the concept of ‘masterly inactivity’ as an aspect of education, we’ll find ourselves relating with children from this standpoint without even consciously thinking about it. But we need to have an accurate idea of what we mean when we say ‘masterly inactivity.’ The phrase used by Carlyle has nothing to do with the attitude of, ‘who cares?’ or ‘why bother?’ and it has even less to do with the sheer neglect that just lets things happen because it’s too much trouble to take any action to influence the outcome. ‘Masterly inactivity’ indicates an exquisitely capable moral attitude, and it’s worth our time to analyze it. The concept is perhaps most accurately phrased in Wordsworth’s words: ‘wise passiveness.’ It suggests the ability and authority to take action, a concern for the outcome, with the insight and restraint that keeps a person from interfering.

Do you see it? It’s not a passive indifference, but it’s an intentional drawing back, a wise restraint, all the while having the “ability and authority to take action.”

But why should we keep from getting directly involved, anyway? Let’s read on:

But, for our purposes, the phrase conveys one more idea. It isn’t just that we’re restraining ourselves from direct involvement, there’s also a sense of our authority that our children need to be aware of whether we’re giving them a command or not. The sense of authority is the foundation of the parental relationship. If our children don’t respect our authority, then I doubt that either our direct involvement or our inactivity will do much good. This element of strength is the backbone on which our position as parents rests. ‘We couldn’t even if we wanted to,’ and the children know it. They’re free under authority, which is liberty. To be free without any authority is license.

Here we can see that masterly inactivity is possible once we’ve already trained our children in good habits, one of which is respecting our authority. Many of the habits we form in the early years of a CM education form the foundation for the blessing of masterly inactivity, so don’t despise the early years!

Components of masterly inactivity

According to CM’s writings, the following are crucial elements to have in place in order to attain to masterly inactivity:

• the strength of parental authority
• friendly good-naturedness on the part of the parent
• parent’s self-confidence
• parent’s confidence in the children
• the parent’s subtle “watching” or “omniscience”
• a sound mind and body
• relaxed time or leisure vs a hurried lifestyle
• faith in God

From this list, it seems that we do need to get several things in place in order to be able to apply masterly inactivity. For example, it wouldn’t be easy to have confidence in our children’s decision-making if we’ve never let them practice making choices.

But the good news is that we’re all growing in the process, and it’s a great goal to reach for!

Which of the above elements do you think you need to work on the most? Tell us in the comments below!